Review: Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994) [26-32]

Season 2! Surely, things get better from here... right?

"The Child" (4/10)
Out the gate with some "Woman's Right to Choose" -ness. Don't explore space, you may get space-raped and then space-pregnant. And then HUH? Oh right, Whoopie Goldberg is supposed to be in this show...
Like "Haven," the plot is some annoying-ass Betazoid boring bullshit, this time about an inexplicable Coppola's Jack Jesus child and Troi's reaction to it. Also some specimen transportation and Wesley struggling with... something or other. Grugh. I can't believe I miss Beverly Crusher, but seriously, this new doctor can go fuck herself.

"Where Silence Has Lease" (5/10)
Ah, the Mr Bigface episode. Worfsploitation continues.
Not that I don't appreciate procedural exploration but something about the way they break up the A Plot (the Worf stuff or the new FUCKING doctor's useless dialogue) makes it all a bit tedious. It picks up a bit towards the end, and like an olde school episode, nothing is really solved save they escape with (most) of their lives. More exile -- I'm guessing they post a sign outside the anomaly that says something like "dont go into here lol."

"Elementary, Dear Data" (5/10)
Wait... Data is Holmes in this scenario, so the title refers to- ohhhh, I get it, he's having fun wrong. Good thing that drunken whore of a new doctor explained it to me.
This is the second time a Holodeck program has gotten out of control and almost fucked up the ship. Someone going to talk to the design team and download a security patch? One that, you know, doesn't allow programs to extend their power beyond the confines of the Holodeck... just a suggestion. Picard knows that Moriarty is a murderous fiend, right?

"The Outrageous Okona" (5/10)
The Enterprise meets Captain Malcolm Reynolds and mild forms of wackiness ensue. Uh oh, Riker, looks like there's a new rapist in town.
I mean, this is the sorta thing I'm talkin about. Starfleet can just answer distress calls all over the fucking place, even if it means protecting a sex criminal with a sweet pony-tail and starting some intergalactic incident involving two civilizations? I imagine the Vulcan way of handling this is so much fucking better, where his brand of outrageousness is not tolerated and they isolate his ass until they can dump him on a planet where he can fend for himself. Then again, turns out he's a nice man in the end and totally not a rapekiller. I'm just sayin.

"The Schizoid Man" (5/10)
FUCKING NEW DOCTOR. Ooo, near-warp transport, that sounds familiar... and I love this Vulcan hottie, why the hell isn't she a major character?
A lot of focus on Data this season already. Hmm, I'm not onboard with it. It's like they decided they needed the Enterprise crew to acknowledge how weird he is, so that the audience is sure they aren't insane. Never mind that the crew would be used to him by now. It doesn't help that the episode itself is very bland and forgettable. In fact, what happened again?

"Loud as a Whisper" (5/10)
A guy with 80's hair experiences that frightening moment when everyone on your away team starts turning into skeletons.
I run into another typical complaint of mine, which is that the silent mediator should have been more alien in appearance. Some kinda reptile? I get that the producers probably want aesthetic distance for the audience to relate to the drama of the story, but is Star Trek really about that? Look at the ending: we aren't really shown a successful peace negotiation, but that having the confidence to attempt it is the actual victory. Pretty classy, and it deserved better execution.

"Unnatural Selection" (5/10)
Sweet, we're finally taking this cunt of an MD to task. And Jesus, does Wesley have to drive the ship all the fucking time? He didn't even graduate.
I have a bit of a soft spot for Germisodes because it requires the crew to scientifically evaluate the situation and think carefully before proceeding with containment, instead of reacting all emotionally to it. You have no idea how hard I was pulling for some Prometheus-ass shit to occur once the genetically engineered human was awakened. Sadly, Pulaski wasn't strangled to death, just infected. And she survived. OH WELL. (I'm surprised the transporter and/or Data aren't used to solve every problem.)

Review: Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994) [18-25]

"Coming of Age" (6/10)
Wesley works hard to achieve adulthood and justify his presence on a starship, while Picard deals with sudden continuity. A guy breathes out of a misty mouthpiece.
-- Next Gen decides that they need to establish a running narrative. Good on em! The best part is that Picard is taken to task for decisions made in previous episodes, so I know I'm not the only one who's being all 'Hey, wait a second,' although that means I sympathize with the spineless auditor we're all supposed to hate. Ah well, at least they didn't kill him off at the climax.

"Heart of Glory" (5/10)
Neutral zone adventures, Geordi's underwhelming eyesight, and Klingon racial stuff.
-- Manages a somewhat compelling situation while succumbing to cliches. The whole plot, even, is this well-mined conflict about a character making a choice between two opposing forces in his soul. And whatever. Just go watch Mamet's Homicide instead.

"The Arsenal of Freedom" (5/10)
Man, just as we were about to distance ourselves from the Original Series, this one catapults us right back into it.
-- A lot of miniarcs to deal with here. Picard and Dr. Crusher get closer, Geordi comes into his own as he takes command of a risky situation, Troi advises, the away team runs around on an obvious jungle set, and there's some arms dealer satire. Get pretty exciting at the end, though, so this one could have been worse. It also could have been better, without all that talkin 'bout theys feelings.

"Skin of Evil" (5/10)
And now, Drunken Blob satire. I hope Jonathan Frakes got a lot of money that day.
-- A very long hostage situation solved by some sleight of hand and exile (which always works). Seems like another unmade Original Series script, one that I would gladly take over "The Apple" and a lot of others... something about it all is very unsatisfying. That's it for Lt. Yar, huh? And we never got to find out what the rapegangs were, nor did Data get to avenge her. Hmmph.

"Symbiosis" (5/10)
Stupid Dummy satire now? Nope! Space drug dealers! Oh, and Tasha Yar is still alive, and very involved in the plot. Serves me right for reviewing by the production order.
-- In addition to the super cool concept concerning a virus where only its symptoms show up, I really enjoyed the fancy footwork around the Prime Directive, though which part of it allows starships to answer distress calls by civilizations they otherwise cannot interfere with? Ah well. Except for the super preachy scene where Yar explains to Wesley what drug addiction is, I mostly didn't want to kill myself! Higher five it goes.

"We'll Always Have Paris" (5/10)
Another weird, unfocused episode, I don't even fucking know anymore.
-- Such strange handling of what information the audience gets to have first, I actually thought the show was telling me that Picard had a homosexual fling in Paris. House of Cards style. But no, another jilty chick. The time manipulation in this, used sparingly because we have to be bored with a lazily tied-in subplot, was pretty fucking awesome. More of that?

"Conspiracy" (6/10)
John Carpenter directs an episode. AND LOOKS LIKE I SPOKE TOO SOON.
-- The return of some sentient worm things. If I remember correctly, the curative method is to let it eat its way through your brain until you scream in agony and it exits in a river of blood out your ear. This is totally survivable. Here, we close out the arc mentioned briefly in "Coming of Age" and solve that whole infiltration to the top levels of Starfleet problem. Easy, because it's like three guys. A fine episode if we'd had a longer time building towards it. As such, it's barely a six. Sheesh, I think I've calibrated these 5s already.

"The Neutral Zone" (5/10)
Not really what the title indicates. Are you CERTAIN you don't want to introduce the Borg instead?
-- An episode so incredibly close to the Original Series that it even mimicks its stupid wacky joke score. Now as I've stated before, I am all for the man-out-of-time-bespeckled-with-joy but not when he is insufferable and getting in the way of my Romulan negotiating! For nothing really happening except the promise of more things happening, it's... okay. Are these Dick van Winkles ever mentioned again? They're... silly.

Review: Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994) [10-17]

"Hide and Q" (5/10)

Q, appearing like a natural disaster in SimCity, prevents progress for awhile to indulge in a game of "The Squire of Gothos." I mean "Spectre of the Gun." I mean Risk. How do you write female characters again?
-- It's a long, circuitous, poorly-paced route to get to two elements crowding the frame in the climax: Riker struggling with newfound powers and humanity's desire for happiness. The former takes center stage for much of the episode, while the latter is far more compelling. Q then chides the Enterprise for not seizing an opportunity to use such powers for Good but what does he do with his own power other than play pranks on everybody? Fucking asswipe.

"Too Short a Season" (5/10)
A young guy in old man makeup? Uh oh, some Fountain of Youth plot is on the horizon. Fused with Die Hard.
-- Well, on the horizon behind us, really. This is more about dealing with the aftermath of a foolish Admiral reversing his age to... properly leverage a hostage situation I guess. Because it's something he dealt with 45 years in the past and being young again would make dealing with it much easier? Yeah, it's a mess by the end of it all, a vestigial symptom of being a sequel to "A Private Little War." At the very least it's an apology for it, and it showcases Picard's preferred method for conflict resolution: synthesizing pity!

"The Big Goodbye" (5/10)
Holodeckisode. They miss an opportunity to go into black & white. Lawrence Tierney!
-- And again that problem with burying the lead, showing us the Enterprise crew reacting to the problem before Picard and others know there's an issue, and we wait as they catch up. How new is the Holodeck, by the way? Perhaps what we saw in "Encounter at Farpoint" is the Holodeck in limitation, ie it can only generate lush settings and not other characters or interactive storylines. I'm guessing Picard's reaction to it is more for our benefit than an accurate reflection of its use. There's a lot of that going on. Wait- Picard walks back onto the ship with lipstick smeared on his face. Does that mean he could leave with lung cancer too? And did he accidentally leave the program running? Perhaps he shouldn't have started with something so advanced if this narrative shit is new. The bad guys sure survive for a long time in the hallway, with no holo-emitters. SHOULD I IGNORE THIS FUCKING SHIT ARGH

"Datalore" (5/10)

An extinct civilization teaches the Enterprise how to properly bury stuff. Like the goddamned Lead. Some Dead Ringers shit ensues. A glimpse of what the hell Data is, finally.
-- Why teach the sketchy, overconfident copy of Data to pilot the starship? You know that's going to go south at some point. Face mutilation! Quickly! Before the serial killer takes your identity! Oh shit, he thought of that first. Good thing for the Enterprise that Lore chooses to become incompetent and slow down his horrifying plan at just the right moment. And we're still not listening to Wesley even though he's allowed on the bridge? I wish I liked this one more, but man that stuff in the second half really annoyed me.

"Angel One" (5/10)
Oof, bad composite work and bad eighties hair. Women in charge of things... pfft, please. What is this? Malaysia? Picard sure gets taken down a lot, already. 
-- They almost hit the mark with this one in spite of the heavy-handed sexual subjugation talk and another violation of the Prime Directive as they prevent a civilization from carrying out its own laws. The virus aboard the Enterprise subplot justifies itself by confining the away team to Angel One and leaving them to deal with the situation using time-tested speeches about equality and blahblahblah. I'd take this one in place of a couple of previous episodes where they failed using this exact formula. Still the show is getting in its own way with its nonsense.

"11001001" (6/10)
Ooo, GOOD composite work and some Holodeck questions mercifully answered. Did the ship's computer just take a BREATH?! That half-sentence tradeoff shit seems wildly inefficient.
-- Riker The Rapist Asshole returns and helps demonstrate the Holodeck's ability to discern highly subjective phrases and colloquialisms and generate some bad acting. And then there's a neat little plot about a planet in peril and in need of the ship's memory banks. It's not bad, very reminiscent of 80's science fiction somehow, and for all the hullabaloo it works as a fun diversionary episode. Get past the awkward direction in the beginning and it's clear sailing ahead.

"Home Soil" (6/10)
The Enterprise uses a terraforming station as their own personal tourist trap and annoy people trying to do their job. Suddenly MURDER and then FORGIVENESS FOR THE MURDER JESUS A MAN HAS DIED, DID WE FORGET THAT?
-- Really more of an excuse for the supernerd who wrote this to show off his knowledge of terraforming, and how much thought he put into the Federation's method for contracting it out, as well as how first contact with a new flavor of life is handled when warfare seems inevitable. A well-directed and suspenseful trip to the same ol' conclusion in the same ol' "The Devil in the Dark" territory. Ah well.

"When the Bough Breaks" (5/10)
Ahh that age-old dilemma of 'do I sell my children for vital scientific information?' Who hasn't been in that pickle. Holy shit it's Deep Throat from the X-Files!
-- It is initially impressive that this episode does in ten minutes what the Original Series would have taken twenty-seven to do, leaving plenty of room for everyone to worry over solving this issue. It doesn't quite keep up the pace and it's pretty easy to see where they're going with it after awhile. Aint no tragedy beyond that, and Picard's Captaining methodology is finally well-suited to the situation when Enterprise children are kidnapped. Thaaaaaat's when you say 'fuck off to yer ways.'

Review: Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994) [01-09]

Season 1! Show me whatcha got, late 80's television!

 

"Encounter at Farpoint" (6/10)

A new crew pilots a flashy new ship in a new century and already they are answering for humanity's crimes.
-- It is striking how well they captured the feel of the Original Series while upping the ante in terms of style, and even trying to retroactively tighten the continuity by having fauntleroy Q cover a score of previous all-powerful beings. In addition to properly conveying the function of newly introduced technology, races and characters, we get two plots for the price of one, both preachy as fuck! Good start.

"The Naked Now" (6/10)
Crew members act strangely after encountering an eerily familiar sickness GEE I WONDER WHAT'S HAPPENING and solve it with some barely effective quarantine procedures. Mmm, bottomboob... Rapegangs?
-- Like the Pilot episode, it captures the feel of the original series very well, only hotter (ha!). There's even a close up in the cold (ha!ha!) open that is very heavily reminiscent of the old show. Somewhere in the second half I decided that I liked it, though it's a bit early for a diversionary episode, innit? And could this be where the vaguely pornish feeling of Trek began?

"Code of Honor" (5/10)
Time for us to receive a heavy-handed lesson in cultural and sexual tolerance. It's the white guilt episode!
-- It has one of those sloppy, offscreen setups meant to give the illusion of high stakes, like in "The Galileo Seven," and justify Picard's inability to resolve the situation quickly. Throughout it, I was trying to imagine the characters as a barbaric lizard race, to see if that made it more interesting. More, it made me think that a leader of a warp civilization wouldn't pull the 'our ways' card on an outsider. But for the sake of an awkwardly-filmed death match. That's Trek for ya.

"Haven" (5/10)
A plague ship approaches a planet and the Enterprise has to figure out a way to stop it before it reaches transporter range. But that's only the B Plot, the A Plot is a bunch of irritating shit about an arranged marriage.
-- Definitely with "Code of Honor" on the bottom spectrum of 5's so far. We don't know enough about Riker and Troi to care that they aren't able to be together and the family behavior is too over-the-top and specific to the show to be relatable. That and the camera lense is smeared with vaseline and makes me sleepy.

"Where No One Has Gone Before" (6/10)
An arrogant fucker's con turns real and Wesley Crusher's importance is exaggerated, eventually turning him into a horrible narcissist. Ohhhh... RAPEgangs... I get it.
-- Did Rob Bowman film this episode inside of a volcano? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just shocked that it was allowed. A nice, slow build around a mysterious set of circumstances (that aren't fully explained by the end, right?) and what would have been a much better setup to Star Trek: Voyager than that stupid fucking Caretaker or whatever. Weirdly, I got a Monster Squad vibe when Picard rescued that Red Shirt from his Mulder-ish fear of fire. No thumbs-up?! Aw.

"The Last Outpost" (5/10)
The Enterprise and a Thiefy Vessel are conned by a wizard on a nearby planet, showing us that we really aren't that far from the Original Series in terms of a premise gone silly.
-- I can see a smarter script inside this episode somewhere, one that doesn't boil the elements down into something so utterly simplistic, one that doesn't make Picard seem highly irrational but somehow correct in the long run, and one that doesn't totally shortchange the Ferengi in what I imagine is a leftover element from an "Arena" remake. Bah.

"Lonely Among Us" (6/10)
Two delegates from opposing races attempt a peace treaty while the Enterprise complicates matter. Maybe don't pass through the strange energy cloud while on so important an assignment?
-- They should have buried the lead, and let us believe that the traitor was from one of the two delegate parties. Data starts acting like Sherlock Holmes, f'fuck's sake, hows about involving us in the mystery? Ah well, there's enough suspense to fuel the episode to completion. Transporter fixes everything!

"Justice" (5/10)
Things go sideways on Planet Orgasm, where they filmed Biodome, when Australian Law clashes with Aboriginal Law and an all-powerful mediator forces the Enterprise to think the situation through a little bit. Riker... ISN'T a sex addict... right?
-- Leave it to Wesley Crusher to break the simple Keep Off the Grass rule. This sort of thing is exactly what Picard was such an asshole about a few episodes back. Anyhow, it's better than "Code of Honor." I like that we tackle some heavy legal issues: criminal ignorance, capital punishment and h'whatnot, but the conclusion is a real bummer and does not cast Picard in a particularly flattering light. A powerful ship is forcing them to reconsider rescuing Wesley outright, but since no magical medical cure is at stake Picard ultimately gives the middle finger and beams off the planet, citing 'special circumstances' as a part of life. Great. I'm sure Tasha Yar really appreciates that fight to the death she had to do. And people know about this planet yet somehow word doesn't get out about their strict-ass laws and weird religion? Okayyyy.

"The Battle" (5/10)
The Enterpise takes part in an obvious Ferengi deception and the inevitable ensues. They apparently rescued Rob Bowman from that volcano.
-- Hmm, I see that our Captain has been taken over yet again by a brainfucky. Is this going to be The Next Generation's version of the cellular double? If that's the case, a keyphrase or constant mutilation is no good. Gotta be some solution, though... a router helmet? Some sort of empath more useful than Troi? I'll work on it. This show already has a real problem at constructing a mystery. It's more concerned with showing us Starfleet procedure than involving us in a compelling story. Telling it entirely from Picard's perspective would have been awesome! Alas.

Review: Star Trek (1973-1974) [17-22]

We enter Season 2. I think. Somehow the episode runtimes have lost an entire minute.

"The Pirates of Orion" (3/10)
I can’t help but think they are mispronouncing the name throughout the entire episode, like Oreo with an “on” sound at the end. That must cause some confusion when it’s written down in Starfleet reports.
--A combination of a terminal disease episode and a “Balance of Terror” style showdown, which you’d think would write itself. Close, but no, not quite. It’s another suitable story for a live-action counterpart, complete with awkward fight scene.

"Bem" (3/10)
A petty bureaucrat observes the Enterprise crew in a survey mission while at the same time sabotaging it. Things get WHAT THE almost immediately when he disassembles himself. Weird moment in cages.
--It at least have a couple of things going for it, like the Kirk/Bem political arguments and things like: after getting captured twice, Kirk says, “There are times, Mr. Spock, when I think I should have been a librarian.” A pretty good line so maybe AW BALLS ALL POWERFUL MEDIATOR FUCK!

"The Practical Joker" (4/10)
“Captain, an unidentified energy field-” AAARGH! RUN! FUCKING RUN YOU MORONS!
--Like a spattering of other episodes I don't feel like going back and looking up, it has a complete script and a compelling story idea with the ship computer getting infected by a joke-virus and- whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute… The Enterprise has a holodeck?! That’s it, I’m outta here.

"Albatross" (3/10)
Spock in command position finally gets a win.
--I didn’t realize that they hadn’t done a trial episode yet, although it eventually becomes less about proving Bones’s innocence and more about finding a cure for the plague set upon them. It’s almost less-bad, just suffers from plodding along without many interesting things happening.

"How Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth" (4/10)
They battle a Mayan god, KukulKAAAN! Seriously, more gods have come to Earth and caused a ruckus than... somewhere else where that has happened a lot. Then they pick a spot in space to take up residence until we stumble across them? I don't fucking buy it.
--We are introduced to the character Walking Bear, an Injun who happens to have the information needed to advance the plot. Where do you place him? At navigation, replacing the off-putting Ensign Erix who has weird skin and four legs? Or do you replace the beloved Sulu? Guess what they chose to do. Can that guy ever escape getting shafted? Maybe he doesn't want to OHHHHHHHHHH. They spring a sudden Galactic Zoo on you, but then diverge into philosophical territory. Ridiculous plot, good execution. By comparison, of course.

"The Counter-Clock Incident" (4/10)
The Enterprise runs into some Benjamin Button shit. Overuse of the word “universe.”
--They mess around with Starfleet history here, but my knowledge of it isn’t so good so I don’t know if having old Enterprise crew members is a contradiction. It certainly isn’t in line with the Abrams film but what the hell does that mean. Anyhow, the Crew ages in reverse at varying speeds, depending on the story requirements, Spock gets jobbed out of a command position and because we can’t very well leave our main characters as children, there’s a weird fix with the transporter similar to the one in “The Terratin Incident.” How funny that both Incidents do that. I guess I’m done now? Thank GOD.

Review: Star Trek (1973-1974) [11-16]

"The Terratin Incident" (5/10)
Shit, a gas cloud. That can’t be good. Bones has gotten way too mouthy. There’s that damn “jury-rig” phrase again!
--Well, they tried a little harder. The animation on Cepheus looks interesting, they use some new camera angles, and the script is tightly plotted for being an “everybody shrinks” story. In fact, the writing is really strong in general. Is it a rejected script from the live-action show? Who is this gent? *looks up Paul Schneider* Oh SHIT he wrote “Balance of Terror!” … oh and “The Squire of Gothos.” But still!

"The Ambergris Element" (2/10)
The WHAT? Running a specimen retrieval gambit, the away team pisses off a monster and Spock and Kirk somehow get lung-fucked. Like Neelix! And a red shirt survives!
--This episode has elements of the John Smith/Pocahontas story, with an incredibly uninteresting progression of events ending in a violation of the Prime Directive. I’ll tell ya one thing: it’s good to know that fishwomen still possess boobs.

"The Slaver Weapon" (5/10)
Spock takes us on a journey through a short story full of big ideas and Stasis Box politics. Yes. I don’t even want to know what a “soft weapon” is.
--They get Spock down pretty well here, in the sense that he fucks up yet another command gig. Not that it wouldn’t have happened under Kirk’s watch too but c’mon, give the guy a win some time. The episode makes a couple of dumb decisions in the execution department, of course, but it ends up being another one that’s goddamn impressive, given the show it’s in.

"The Eye of the Beholder" (3/10)
After battling a series of monsters one after the other like assholes, the away team is captured by some giant snails. Is EVERY woman Nurse Chapel?!
--Another Galactic Zoo episode masquerading as something else until the last ten minutes. I’ll give that a difficult problem is established for the characters to overcome, and they do it somewhat cleverly. I’d rather they funnel that ambition into the universe they’re portraying. “Wait a minute! You… you… Hey!” Nailed it again, Bones. I’m glad you didn’t suffocate comically.

"The Jihad" (3/10)
Ready your asses for xenophobia sublimation and some obvious religious parallels. Are the birdmen… Jews?
--A Dirty Dozen style team goes on a tightly-regimented excursion to basically recover an artifact that proves the existence of god. It’s not as exciting as it sounds. Unnecessary plot twist ensues. I really wanted this one to be better, too. Don't ask me why.

"The Time Trap" (3/10)
Why is it that the Enterprise is the one that gets stuck investigating all of the disappearances? Why are there so many of them to begin with?
--They used the same character models from “More Tribbles, More Troubles” for the view-screen, but the Klingon captain looks different when we see him in his ship. The animation is incredibly shitty all over the map. Eh, who cares at this point, I guess. The plot of this one is like the Voyager episode where everyone is trapped in that void and trying to work together to get out, only here there is an annoying all-powerful mediator (cabal). You know how I adore those. I’d also complain about the awfully convenient way in which there is no racial overlap in the so-called randomly assembled void committee, but… Orion slavegirl…

Review: Star Trek (1973-1974) [06-10]

"The Survivor" (3/10)
Oh God, let’s watch them fuck up the Romulan Neutral Zone some more. Jesus, a cat lady!
--They took some precautions regarding Cutter’s identity, but didn’t report an anomaly with the medical exam and Kirk’s keyphrase from “Whom Gods Destroy” is not utilized. This episode is really really out of control with the re-used animation, and still it weirdly results in continuity errors when used within the story. And… he became a deflector shield?! Blugh to you, sirs!

"The Infinite Vulcan" (4/10)
Stuck in a state of denial about whether or not you can justify this series as canonical? Then keep in mind: there is a giant Spock on a planet somewhere.
--Hard sci-fi amid some stupid things. A crazy dude from Khan’s eugenics war clones himself over and over to keep his work going. Plant-based people search for a cure. Misuse of Vulcan mind meld, which is becoming this show’s set theory paradox. “Now wait just a minute, I can’t let you infect him with some alien…” *searches for appropriate word* “… dewdrop!” Nailed it, Bones. Nailed it.

"The Magicks of Megas-Tu" (2/10)
If a Giant Spock isn’t enough, the fact that there’s a centaur dude seated at the center of the universe should do the trick.
--No sooner does Spock attempt a “science survey” that a bunch of things begin to happen way too fast. Then the Centaur Man makes fun of them for wanting to remain cohesive and asserts that his world operates on “magic.” A shot holds on Earth for a long time, stretching that animation budget. The crew learns to wield the power of the Megans with the simplest of arbitrary rituals. “stay with us no wait you have to leave no wait engage in a colonial trial sure why not PLOT TWIST satan SUDDEN BATTLE OF MAGIC wait we like you after all now you can leave.” That’s how ya fuck up a trip to Creation Point.

"Once Upon a Planet" (3/10)
Another This Again episode. Sulu gets rape eyes, Uhura sings (ugh), there’s a giant cat, Kirk even calls it the “Shore Leave” planet. You can’t say it isn’t trying to attach itself to the universe.
--Bones has a wild hair up his ass in this episode. Goddamn is he pissed about almost getting killed. We get to see the hangar bay, finally, and somehow the Enterprise has a shitload of smaller crafts now. Had a good moment where the planet’s computer tries to pilot the Enterprise by running through a familiarization program. Kirk dispatches the computer through negotiation this time, and forgives it of murder for some reason. All in all, it’s the most like an actual Star Trek episode so far. But a bad one.

"Mudd’s Passion" (4/10)
Harry Mudd again? Aww buttballs. Let this be known as the episode where Scotty fucks the Cat Lady.
--The crew kinda screws over Mudd in the beginning, apparently without appropriate jurisdiction, so they somewhat deserve the wackiness that ensues. The crew is euphoric again, wahhh wahhhhhh! Confusing fight with rock creatures ensue. Did Nurse Chapel get court martial’d for letting a prisoner go? Eh, who am I kidding, some parts are fun. Holy shit, am I getting dumber?

Review: Star Trek (1973-1974) [01-05]

"Beyond the Farthest Star" (2/10)
You thought I was done with this, didn’t you you mother? Fuck no I’m not! Kirk and Crew utilize a different storytelling medium to explore a disgusting ship without the aid of spacesuits. Complaints about the quality of the previous aesthetics cease for all time.
--Nice to see the crew is back, except for Chekov but who gives a shit. You can tell Roddenberry didn’t have much of a hand in this to keep the rules (whatever those were) intact, and certain disconnects result in hilarious scenes. Listen to the contempt in Leonard Nimoy’s voice as Spock is forced to say “jury-rigged.” Off-putting character and set designs, animation used and re-used, poorly-paced garbage and not much to recommend, but a whole lot more I could say. obeyme

"Yesteryear" (4/10)
Starfleet is actively utilizing the stargate from City on the Edge of Forever. Wow, well, I’m impressed that we’re revisiting things from the previous sh- WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! A BIRDMAN?!
--Kirk and Spock, after adventuring in spacetime, accidentally change the future in a most insignificant way. Before you can cry “Wait a minute, I didn’t know this time travel shit was revisionist!” they send Spock back to fix it. Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense but the situation is at least compelling, more than the previous episode. It could have made it to mediocre if the general execution of the show wasn’t so torturous. This Vulcan stuff isn’t canon, right?

"One of Our Planets is Missing" (3/10)
Another cloud thing menaces the Enterprise and entire planets. Isn’t this plot used in a Next Generation episode? Or was that a giant crystal? Man, fuck clouds.
--Once again, we are trapped inside of a giant space amoeba, making the existence of them not so special. Develop some procedure for dealing with this things, you fools! A live action version of this might not be so bad, but y’know… the usual complaint…

"The Lorelei Signal" (3/10)
Bermuda Triangle in Space, recurring disappearance is a job for one ship and one ship only. Oh don’t worry though, it’s just some bitches causin a ruckus.
--Well, it’s gradually getting more on-point. Witness a slow shot of the Enterprise as a love-drunk Scotty sings a ballad. There’s an implication here that The Cage’s “I’ll never get used to a woman on the bridge” is true, else how would the female’s methods have worked for so long? And I guess no one on the Enterprise is a lesbian?

"More Tribbles, More Troubles" (4/10)
Everybody’s favorite furry blobs return to wreak some good-natured havoc more or less identical to the first time ‘round. Klingons still ain’t Klingony.
--I suppose there are just enough extra ideas to make it distinct from the last adventure. The major story beats from The Trouble with Tribbles remain; Cyrano Jones hucksters it up, high-density grain is eaten, the Klingons get stuck with the bill. And more on-point humor, like some good Kirk/Spock exchanges and that gag where Kirk keeps pushing the gradually growing Tribble off of the helm. Still: not enough.