ABRIDGED SCRIPT/REVIEW FORMAT STOLEN FROM ROD HILTON BUT CURSE MY INABILITY TO MAKE IT LOOK AS GOOD
MOON
INT. GROUND STATION ON THE MOON
Sam Rockwell, tired of reading Merriam-Webster's definition of "Unfortunate Misfire" and only seeing the poster for Watchmen there, decides to mine for Moonium on the moon.
SAM ROCKWELL
I'm so glad I can be such an asset to this corporation and for everyone on Earth relying on this life-saving energy source. How prescient. Speaking of which, I think I get to go back soon, right Robot?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Yes, Sam, and it is very exciting. Would you a haircut or some dinner before you go?
SAM ROCKWELL
Sure, pal. Y'know, you seem... very intelligent for an articulated arm and some ball-bearings. We can carry on complex conversations and all. Why can't the company just put you in charge of this operation?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Because, Sam, that would spoil the secret concept operating behind the plot of this movie.
SAM ROCKWELL
Secret concept? I thought this was going to be about me going crazy from loneliness. What else could it be about?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Oh, you'll see...
EXT. OBVIOUS MINIATURE MOON LANDSCAPE
Sam Rockwell does work type-things in a crawler vehicle as his loneliness increases.
SAM ROCKWELL
Strange nightmares about my wife back on Earth, daylight hallucinations... I have to be going crazy. Even the awesome trailer for this movie said so. I- hey, what's that?
SAM is distracted by a THING, crashes his vehicle, and loses consciousness.
CUT TO:
INT. GROUND STATION
Sam Rockwell 2 suddenly wakes up on a hospital gurney.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Jesus, what the fuck just happened?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
You had an accident, Sam, and you need to rest. Please don't let my repeated insistence make you suspicious or anything.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Wow, you seem... very sophisticated, enough to be bad at lying. They really should have just let you man the station. Also, how did I get back here?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
STOP PRE-RUINING THE MOVIE. Now go to sleep and don't try to leave or anything.
Kevin Spacey-Bot floats away to do SECRET STUFF. Sam 2 follows and catches a snippet of a conversation between him and some CORPORATE SUITS on a monitor.
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Sam, what a shock to see you out of bed. Did you catch any
of that?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Just enough to be incriminating, but oddly enough, my only question is why you're using the monitor. If you're connected to the station's systems, you could bypass any interface to send a message. It's just data.
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Very interesting, I will contemplate this-
Sam 2 busts open a valve that spills cheap CGI while Kevin Spacey-Bot is distracted.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Oh fuckle. Guess this means I have to go outside and fix it.
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Damn the conspirators' inability to make vital systems unavailable to you, thus making it easy to figure out THE SECRET.
CUT TO:
EXT. MINIATURE MOONSCAPE
Sam Rockwell 2 takes a spare spacesuit and a spare crawler (it had some) out to the site of the crawler accident. There he finds... another Sam Rockwell! Uh... the first one to be exact!
CUT TO:
INT. GROUND STATION
Injured SAM ROCKWELL 1 wakes up on a hospital bed with SAM ROCKWELL 2 brooding in the background.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
This is odd... there appears to be two of me. How weird. I will continue to have a nonplussed to reaction to this and only sorta try to figure this situation out, as it is progressing totally unlike what I imagined. Uh... Robot?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
No help from me until you ask again later.
(wheels away clunkily)
SAM ROCKWELL 1
And what about you, Other Me?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Not really up for it. I mean, I was up for breaking shit a half an hour ago because of the tiniest of reasons, but now that I'm confronted with this huge proof of SOMETHING WRONG, I'm opting to be an insufferable dick for a bit, just to show off my ability to act to myself.
He does that for an incredibly irritating amount of time.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Okay, then. I wonder... for what reasons would I be having this hallucination? Why would I feel the need to split myself apart? Perhaps this is an id/ego thing, and sooner or later the superego is going to show up and explain it all. Or it has no meaning, other than my psyche creating a conflict to combat the mundane activies on the station. Surely some complex psychological reasons are afoot-
SAM ROCKWELL 2
I got it. We're clones.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
... Clones, did you say?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Yes.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
... Okay, why?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Think about it, man. It's cheaper for a company to-
SAM ROCKWELL 1
No no no no! This is one of those movies?! It can't be! You're just jumping to the first available conclusion. It's early yet, something else will develop.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
(long pause)
Help me look for the secret door to the clone facility.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Jesus H Chist! Robot, this shit isn't true, is it?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Afraid so, Sam. Right on the money.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
But how, how is that right on the money? Even if we are clones, they wouldn't keep the cloning facility here. What if we happened to stumble across it? Besides, Robot has no way of transporting us from the growth tube to the hospital gurney. How-
Sam Rockwell 2 kicks open a hatch and they find the hidden room with a bunch of clones.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
... Well, I'll be damned.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Convinced?
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Only that this is fucking retarded. Look at the size of this fucking room. Explain to me how this is cheaper.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
I don't have time to explain how it's cheaper. I forgot to mention that I caught Robot ordering a rescue team to our location. Since the company has done nothing but lie to us so far, obviously "Medivac" means "Kill Squad" in corporate lingo.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Just as much of a leap as your other theory, but that turned out to be true, so this is too I guess. I mean, it's still stupid. We're on the fucking moon. They can deny us any means of communication and therefore any method of exposing THE SECRET, right Robot?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Actually, Sam, you'd be surprised how much is available on this rock. Just enough for everything to go wrong with their operation, actually.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
That means there must be an antennae jamming the signal to Earth! Quickly, let's go find it!
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Goddammit...
Sam Rockwell 2 goes and does that for a bit while Clint Mansell uses ambient noises to produce a score. Sam Rockwell 1 drives around too but gives up because he's bored. And sick and whatnot.
INT. GROUND STATION
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Robot, I'd like more confirmation on this matter. How would I go about getting that?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Easy, Sam.
Robot plays tapes of all the other Sam Rockwell clones getting sick and also getting vaporized in a chamber that is supposed to send them home.
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Well, they're consistently terrible conspirators, at least. Although the smart thing to do would be to vaporize me before I start getting sick.
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
That would eliminate opportunites to be lazily tragic. Speaking of which, Other Sam has found a way through the jamming signal. Would you like to call your wife and daughter on Earth?
SAM ROCKWELL 1
Am I going to say anything useful to them?
KEVIN SPACEY-BOT
Oh heavens no.
Sam 1 does that, then gets sick some more. Sam 2 returns, having found the jamming dish.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
I say we smuggle you into the Moonium capsule and send you home while I stay here and hold off the away team.
SAM ROCKWELL
Nah, why don't you go? I'm too depressed about the way this all turned out to care about going to Earth. But aren't you worried that the Moonium Capsule won't keep you alive?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
I'll bring an air tank.
SAM ROCKWELL
But what about the temperature? And the entry into the Earth's- you know what, fuck it, I'm sure it will be fine.
SAM ROCKWELL 2
One more thing we need to do is have Robot create one more clone, so they think we're both still here for as long as possible.
SAM ROCKWELL
But won't they kill the new clone immediately? Doesn't that go against this entire theme of "Every life, even that of a clone, is precious"?
SAM ROCKWELL 2
(shrugging)
Feh.
Sam Rockwell 2 erases Kevin Spacey-Bot's memory by pressing one button and rockets away in capsule while Sam Rockwell 1 stays behind and is killed by the very mean Medivac team.
INT. MOONIUM CAPSULE
SAM ROCKWELL 2
Hmm. Maybe Sam 1 was making sense... how is this cheaper for a corporation to do? Why couldn't they hire a team of illegal immigrants with no social security numbers? They do dangerous work for practically nothing. Maybe illegal immigration isn't a problem in the future...
The CODA tells us that it is.
THE END
5.4/10
